Wednesday,March,22,2006

Multipurpose Heart Defibrillator

Who says it’s just for saving people from heart attacks?

I logged in to my amazon account this evening, to find the Philips HeartStart Home Automated External Defibrillator was the featured item on the front page. I was curious how much it costs to restart the old ticker when it gives out, so I clicked through.  Seems it’s $1,185.00 to get the shock when you need it.

I wanted to see if there was a customer review that claimed that the device had saved their life, so I scrolled on down the page. Imagine my surprise when I found this review:

viktor_57 “viktor_57” (Fairview, Your Favorite State, USA) - See all my reviews

As a research scientist and medical professional, I appreciate products that work as advertised, and the Philips HeartStart Home Automated External Defibrillator (AED) performed its duties admirably, though my needs probably differ from the majority of AED uses.

I have a private laboratory in which I perform a variety of creative, and to some institutional people, ethically challenging experiments. Apparently the stitching together of cadaver parts and infusing them with the spark of life did not meet the Institutional Review Board’s guidelines for experimentation with human materials--thus, the private lab.

In one of my recent experiments, my creation, inert and lifeless underneath a long sheet, lay on my charging table, electrodes clamped to its head and extremities. I waited for the lightning storm to peak and then raised the lightning rod to harness its power. A powerful bolt struck the rod and a crackling current surged through the wires and into my creation. From underneath the white sheet an eerie green glow emanated from the vaguely human shape as one of its arms slowly lifted. “It’s alive!” I shouted, but before I could relish my triumph, the arm dropped with a thud and the creature lay still. “No!” I yelled. “You were alive once! I will bring you back!”

I grabbed the Philips HeartStart Home AED, brought it next to the table, pulled the green handle, and then carefully followed the automated voice instructions. I thank Philips for providing the audio cues, for my excitement was such that only a clear and commanding voice could have correctly guided me through the defibrillation process. After attaching the white adhesive pads in the correct biphasic position on my creation’s chest and double checking for the correct polarity, the AED ran through its diagnostic routine and informed me that a shock was warranted. I pushed the flashing orange button and waited. After a few, long seconds, I heard a deep rumbling from within my creation’s chest, and it stirred to life once again!

My creation is now my faithful research assistant, and as helpful as he is, his heart often fails him, but the Philips AED always manages to restart his erratic ticker. Until I find a more reliable replacement for his bum heart, the Philips AED is always kept fully charged and ready to go. Thank you Philips!

Yippee! Who knew that mad scientists shop at Amazon?

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